Surmount the Nightmare
by princessitsy
Summary: She shouldn't have hesitated in punching him, diplomacy wasn't always the answer. AU from 3x15.
1. Chapter 1

Strong content warning for sexual assault (beyond what is canonically shown in 3x15), please don't read if you think you might be triggered.

Honestly I never had plans on publishing this, I just needed to get it out of my head, but here we are.

I'm rating this M for content and thematic reasons, not for fun sexy-times reasons. I'd rather less people see this than somebody who might be triggered see it.

Split into two chapters for readability.

Oh and probably only other hyper-detailed people like me will notice, but I feel the need to say that I'm aware that she actually puts her coat down on a chair in Andrada's office and not a couch, but for the sake of this story it's a couch.

…..

It's been the longest few days trying to hold herself together, to keep everything else separated so she didn't slip and say the wrong thing. When Andrada had found her on the portico tonight she had wanted to scream, only a constant reminder to herself that several agents were in direct view kept her calm.

Elizabeth dragged herself home an hour ago planning to work herself into exhaustion, but all she's accomplished so far is changing into her softest pajamas and staring at the wall.

She sighs, switches off her lamp and curls up on her side, pulling the covers up to her chin. Closing her eyes she desperately hopes for a dreamless sleep. She hears Henry come in, she listens as he brushes his teeth and changes into his pajamas. She feels the bed shift as he sits down on it. When he puts a hand on her back she startles violently.

He immediately pulls his hand back. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Are you okay?"

She doesn't turn around. "I'm fine." She curls into herself tighter.

"Elizabeth, I'm here for you." He turns his light off and lays down next to her with a careful amount of distance separating them. "The press conference looked good. Andrada towed the party line. Did he say anything to you?"

She shakes her head, but realizing he can't see her, she says "No, not really." She needs this conversation to end, she can't talk about this without breaking.

"Hmmm. I hate that you have to do business with someone who gropes women."

The word rings in her mind, grope, it repeats over and over again until she lets out a sob. "Baby?" She can sense his confusion in that one word.

"I lied," she whispers.

He shifts closer to her and she can feel his hands hovering, wanting to comfort. "What do you mean?" He asks, perplexed. She takes a hold of one of his hovering hands and pulls it around her waist, tugging him closer until he is fully spooned behind her.

Her breathing quickens. She had known deep down that at some point she would have to tell him, but she had also hoped that she could maintain the facade for a little longer. "I…he...it was more..." The words won't come out right.

"Baby, you're scaring me. You can tell me." His voice is soothing. His hand moves from her waist and strokes her arm. Tears are falling silently down her cheeks as he kisses her hair. "Or you don't have to tell me now. That's okay too."

"I want to tell you now. I haven't told anyone else, I don't really want to." Her voice cracks as she tries to explain. He continues to hold her as he whispers reassurances. She takes a series of deep breaths. She still can't bear to look at him as she explains, but she reaches up to hold his hand.

"He did more before I punched him."

"More?" his voice is neutral.

"He...I...He pushed me down. He was on top of me. He...touched me." She touches a spot on her inner thigh and she's sure it doesn't go unnoticed by her husband.

"Elizabeth, are you okay? I mean, do you need…" he trails off and she knows he's not sure what to offer her, what could possibly make this better.

She finally turns in his arms to face him. "I'm okay, there's barely a mark."

"There's a mark?" His veil of purposeful neutrality is slipping and she can feel his muscles tightening.

"Barely. He scratched me a bit."

"On your thigh?" When she nods he continues, "On your inner thigh?" She nods again.

"It didn't go on much beyond that, I managed to get away. That's when I punched him."

Henry is now the one taking deep breaths. "Why didn't you tell anyone? I mean tell them the whole story. I doubt Dalton would have invited him to the White House if he knew everything."

She shrugs. "Diplomacy? The bigger picture?" He narrows his eyes at her. "It's just not something I really want other people to know, to be splashed across the tabloids, to have everybody have an opinion on."

His eyes are full of compassion. "It's not your fault."

She scoffs. "As if that matters. I'm just tired Henry, I don't want to fight this battle with anyone. I just want to stop thinking about it." She pushes her head into his chest. She feels like she is barely holding herself together and she hasn't even told him everything. She's told him the important parts, or enough of the important parts. He pulls her closer and she presses her lips together focusing on her breathing (if there's one thing she took away from therapy after Iran it is the importance of breathing). She does her best not to slip back into the memory, but when Henry's hand unintentionally skims her bottom she's there, in that office with Andrada.

_The man had been giving her a bad feeling since she entered his office, the sort of feeling she often reminds her girls to listen to, to believe. She doesn't have that luxury though and there have been plenty of men, heads of state even, that have been more interested in trying to stare down her blouse than in solving the world's problems, and she has dealt with all of them handily. She thinks she has done the same here and if she could just find her damn phone, it's in one of her jacket pockets, she can email Russell that it's a go and get the hell out of here. Suddenly she feels a hand on her backside, fingertips skimming the top of her thighs. Instinct kicks in and she turns around, her fist ready to swing. She stops at the last second, her hand inches from Andrada's face, remembering diplomacy. She drops her arm and instead she goes for words, though she is lacking her usual grace "What the hell?"_

_He laughs. "Being friendly. You were going to hit me? Ha. Maybe you should join me in the ring sometime, it would be fun." He takes a step towards her reaching for her, she tries to take a step back, but the couch is right behind her. She stumbles, falling over the arm and landing on her back on the cushions, confused, her legs tangled in her coat and somehow missing one shoe. She is still trying to get her bearings and then he is sitting on top of her making some comment about how this is a much more comfortable position to 'be friendly.' He grabs for her breasts and squeezes. _

_Her mind can't process what's happening. She needs to push him off of her, she knows that, she can hear her brain saying that but her muscles aren't cooperating. Time speeds up, it's probably only a few seconds, but it feels like a jump because the next thing she knows he is laying fully on top of her, his mouth pressing against hers, his tongue trying to force its way in as his hands continue to assault her breasts. She can feel what must be his erection pressing against her and that finally gets her brain and body communicating again. She bucks up against him, her hands pushing at his shoulders, trying to get him to move. He pulls back and he is laughing again as his hands take her wrists and press them down to her side, holding her in place. He's strong for a small man. "Ah yes we can spar in the bedroom too, so much fun, but for now you need to stop." Her brain makes some inane comment about how this isn't a bedroom. She needs to get away. She needs this to stop. She again tries to throw him off of her, but she can't get leverage and when she pulls against his restraint of her hands he presses down harder and it hurts. _

"_Stop. This is the price for the deal, I could see in your eyes earlier that you understand." His voice has changed, there is no longer any amusement in it. _

_He's unhinged, that's all she can think. This situation is insane. "Get off of me." She means for it to come out strong and clear but it's barely a whisper. _

_He ignores her and leans down to try and kiss her again, she turns her head blocking him. He hovers over her instead and she can smell fish on his breath. He thrusts his pelvis into hers, grinding down. He repeats this action a few times and then he sits up, still holding her wrists and straddling her legs. He lets go of her left wrist and takes his now free hand and moves it to her thigh, tracing a line under her dress from her knee to the edge of her underwear. The second her hand is free she tries hitting him but any vital part is too far away and she has no power behind her hits. She tries to scratch at him, her nails scrabble at the arm assaulting her, scratching him. He yelps and pulls his hand back. _

"_You want to play rough? You like scratching? Okay." His hand is suddenly back at the top of her thigh again, and he scratches his nails down hard along her inner thigh. She cries out, she thinks he might have drawn blood. And it occurs to her that all she needs to do is scream and someone will come in. But then his hand is back under her dress, and then it's under her underwear. It's all too much, but when he releases her other wrist (and immediately goes to use his now free hand to go to her breasts) she has what she needs and with a heave she pushes herself up. She bucks her lower body up and manages to dislodge him enough that she can scramble backwards and off the couch. She kicks off her remaining shoe and stands in a defensive position, her hands up. _

_His eyes flash with unmistakable anger and he stands and goes to move toward her. She punches him, not hesitating this time. _

_Time moves forward in flashes after that. She is walking down the hallway of the Presidential Palace ignoring the commotion that has erupted behind her, telling a confused Blake that she needs to talk to Dalton immediately. Her DS agents are clearly concerned. _

_Then she is in the hotel room waiting for the SVTC call to connect. Dalton and Russell appear on the screen and she is telling them that she punched Andrada because he groped her. She doesn't go into anymore detail, she tells them that he grabbed her butt and she punched him which is technically true but leaves out everything in the middle. They don't need to know and she needs to fix this. It's her job to fix this. _

_She is on her plane talking to Henry telling him the same story. Blake is hovering nearby. She shuts Henry down when he tries to ask more questions, telling him she is tired and needs to sleep._

_Then she is walking in the front door of her house wearing the same dress she has been wearing for nearly 48 hours because she hasn't figured out how to get the energy to change it or do anything other than move forward. Henry is embracing her and she wants to let the whole thing spill out, but there is work to do. _

_She is in the shower scrubbing her skin raw, running her finger over the angry red line on her leg. _

"Elizabeth! Elizabeth!" Henry is shouting and shaking her shoulder. She is sitting in the middle of the bed, her arms wrapped around her knees hyperventilating, rocking back and forth. Her blood is on fire, her head is full of bees. "You need to breathe. In and out baby. You're home. You're safe." She manages to turn her head and catch his eyes. It must reassure him enough because when there is a knock on their door he gets up to answer it. Stevie is standing there, sleep-rumpled and looking worried.

"Is everything okay? I heard shouting."

She hears Henry puts on his best reassuring Dad voice. "It's okay honey, your Mom just had a bad dream." She peeks out between her knees, and Stevie looks unconvinced, probably because Elizabeth is now sobbing, but she nods and walks away. Elizabeth hates that her daughter is probably worried and confused, but it's all she can do to keep breathing right now. Henry closes the door and turns back to his traumatized wife.

He sits down in front of her on the bed and lightly hold her hands. "Baby, I think you need to talk to somebody."

She pushes her head further into her knees, and a pitiful "No," comes out between sobs.

"Honey I lost you for almost five minutes there. Can you at least talk to me?"

She shakes her head and he sighs, shifting to sit beside her. "Can I rub your back?"

"Yes." Her voice is so small, so unlike her normal take charge tone.

He rubs her back and sits silently as she slowly quiets. He continues even after she is silent for some time. She feels like she might be able to fall asleep like this, instead her voice comes out. "He pushed me down or maybe I tripped, I can't remember exactly. But I was on the couch and then he was on top of me and he was grabbing my chest and trying to kiss me. I tried to get him off, I really did, but I couldn't get any power." This isn't her telling the story, this is someone else, she's giving a report, that's what it all feels like, her mouth is working without her conscious choice. "And then he grabbed my hands, he held them down. I could...I could feel him against me, he was pushing against me. And then his hand was underneath my dress and he scratched me." She's rushing this she knows, it's coming out in a torrent, but she needs to get to the end. "His hand, he..."Suddenly it's all real again, this is something that happened to her, and saying the words feels like bringing his touch back to life. Henry's hand on her back grounds hers and she pushes out the last bit. "It was in my underwear, I could feel his fingers...but then it was all over, I pushed him away and when he tried to go for me again I punched him."

Henry is quiet for a long time. She's almost about to turn around and check on him, though his rhythmic stroking hadn't stopped. "It wasn't your fault Elizabeth," he states, repeating his earlier declaration. "You did what you had to do to get out of there. His behavior was absolutely horrifying and in a perfect world we could hold him accountable. We're going to get through this together. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Whatever you need, I'm here for you."

She wants to sob with relief. Of course she had known that Henry wasn't the kind of guy who would blame her or think she was less of a woman because of this, but deep down there had been a niggling fear that maybe she was wrong, maybe he would see her as disgusting, that he wouldn't want to touch her again.

"Can you just lay with me and hold my hand. I don't think I can handle anything more right now."

"Of course babe," he says. They both shift until they are under the covers and she is on her side, but facing him and he is holding her hands. "Sleep love. It's okay. I've got you." She is too tired to do anything else and drifts off.

…

Ten more. He can do ten more he tells himself as he lowers himself almost to the floor before pushing himself back up. His muscles are shaking.

"Dad? What are you doing?"

He collapses in a heap as he hears Stevie's voice.

"Physical exercise. You might have heard of it."

He stands up and looks at his daughter narrowing her eyes at him as she stands in the doorway. "Yeah, but in the living room, at six in the morning?" He ignores her tone and moves to the kitchen to start prepping breakfast, he'll make blueberry pancakes, they're Elizabeth's favorite.

"Do you want pancakes? I might do eggs too."

She pushes on, she's so like her Mother in that way, doesn't drop a query for anything. "Did you go for a run too? You're soaked in sweat. It's kind of gross, maybe you should shower before you go cooking food."

"Did you want breakfast before you go to work or not?"

"Dad. What's going on?"

"I'm trying to feed the masses."

She rolls her eyes at him. "You know what I mean. Something happened in the Philippines didn't it? I heard rumors around the White House that something went down between Andrada and Mom and that's why there was a hullabaloo about kicking the military out."

He goes the fridge to grab the eggs and starts cracking them into a bowl. "They had a disagreement, but your Mother has many disagreements with foreign leaders, she usually comes out on top."

"Yeah but disagreements usually don't lead to her having panic attacks in the middle of the night and Mom wandering the house looking like she did after Iran."

Sometimes he really hates that all of their children have inherited keen analytical skills. He sighs, "It's not my story to tell. Your Mom will be fine, I promise, I've got it."

She arches her eyebrows, "Okay, well remember I'm not a little kid anymore and I can help too."

He smiles at her, "You'll always be my little girl with pigtails giving us very stern lectures about how we need to take care of Bootsy, your imaginary dog, while you were at preschool."

"Daaaad" she whines and throws a blueberry at him.


	2. Chapter 2

Things go back to normal, or as normal as their life ever gets. It takes a little bit of time, Elizabeth goes to a handful of therapy sessions, Henry goes to a few too, but they get there. And largely she's over it, it's still in her brain, just like Iran, but she can deal. Sometimes Henry will come up behind her too fast and she will startle but those instances get further and further apart. It takes a bit longer for their sex life to get back on track and it takes an even longer while before she can stand to have Henry on top of her. When she has to go to the Philippines a couple of years later and see Andrada the nightmares and panic come back for a short time, but in some ways seeing him and getting the upper hand (again) is empowering (and before she saw him she told her DS agents in no uncertain terms that he was not allowed to get her alone). A few months after that she ends up telling Conrad the whole story, they are drinking a celebratory Scotch in the Oval Office, giddy with success over some legislative victory and an aide comes in to tell them that Andrada has been arrested on corruption charges and he is in prison. Without thinking, she makes a comment about how he won't be able to try and rape anybody else (her therapist had told her that she could call her experience whatever made her comfortable but that by definition what he had done was attempted rape). Conrad says "Bess?" in that tone and it all comes spilling out. He's aghast and if Andrada weren't already in prison she's a little worried that coup plan from all those years ago might have gotten dusted off.

It's a year or so beyond that when things go suddenly, horribly, irrevocably wrong. She's on the campaign trail in Minnesota or Michigan or some state with an M in it, they've all blurred together (this is the most exhausting thing she has ever done and she raised three children and negotiated more than a few world-altering peace deals). She's sitting in an unused classroom going over revisions to her stump speech when Karima, her campaign press coordinator, comes in frowning. "Ma'am, I'm hearing some disturbing rumors from some of my press contacts."

Elizabeth continues glancing at her prepared remarks. "Aren't most of the press rumors disturbing? Did you hear the one about how I had an alien baby?"

Karima is undeterred, she is typing rapidly on her phone. "No. This is something about a sex tape? Of you?"

Elizabeth looks at her with amusement. "Of me? Well that would be disturbing as I've definitely never made a sex tape. Oooh maybe it's a sex tape with an alien? Now that could really change the race."

The other woman still looks concerned, "I'm hearing this from serious journalists, they're saying there's a tape of you and some foreign official."

"Karima, it's hogwash, just more made up stories meant to distract people from the issues."

"I'm not so sure. Maybe they could have edited something? With the right people you can make some scarily convincing videos. I'm trying to get some more information….let me just…" She starts working furiously on her phone before sitting down at a desk and pulling out her tablet to do more of the same.

Elizabeth ignores her and goes back to trying to remember if she's supposed to emphasize farmers or tech workers in this speech, it would help if she could remember where the hell she was.

"Hey Karima, are we in Michigan or Minnesota?"

The younger woman looks up at her and arches her eyebrows "Neither, we're in Illinois."

Elizabeth nods sagely "I knew that, just testing you."

"Of course Ma'am. Okay all I can get is that it's supposedly with the former Filipino President or maybe the Chinese foreign minister? It's unclear. Oh hey you're on in five, you should get moving."

From the second Karima said Filipino President she hasn't breathed. She doesn't think she can breathe. It can't be, there couldn't be, this is all wrong, it must be a coincidence.

Her press coordinator must notice something is wrong because she gives her a strange look. "Are you okay? Is there actually something there? It's better if you tell me now."

"I need the bathroom." And she runs out of the classroom and to the restroom that had been pointed out to her earlier. She runs into a stall, certain she's going to throw up. She gags a few times, but nothing comes up. She exits the stall and goes to splash water on her face. She looks at herself in the stained mirror (and really with the crooked sink and missing tiles, she's really glad education and infrastructure are a major part of her platform) and tries to reassure herself. The only people who know the whole story are her, her therapist, Henry, Conrad, and Andrada. None of them would have leaked it, though she can imagine Andrada telling stories, but he's in prison and his credibility is nonexistent. Plus, how could there be a tape? Would Andrada have had his own office bugged? She shakes her head, this is ridiculous.

Karima comes in behind her. "Hey are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just feeling a little nauseous, I haven't eaten anything today."

The other woman tilts her head and gives her a thoughtful look, "I'll have a sandwich waiting for you after the speech. Are you ready to go?"

She straightens her suit and flattens her hair, "Absolutely."

As they walk towards the stage set up outside the school, Karima tries to reassure her, "I'll keep an eye on the story, but you're right, it's likely hooey."

Then she's hears her cue "I'm happy to introduce to you, the next President of the United States, Elizabeth McCord." And she's walking out and it's all applause and flashbulbs.

She's most of the way through the speech when she glances towards her press coordinator. Karima is staring at her phone, her eyes are wide and she looks shocked. She stumbles her next line and almost says Michigan but catches herself at the last second. She finishes her conclusion and her staff are rushing her through a line of grip and grin.

When she's finally in her car, Karima and Blake (they've given him some campaign title but he still subs as her right hand man sometimes) are the only ones in it aside from her detail. Blake hands her a muffin, but she just holds it and turns to the other woman. "What is it? What did you find out?"

She's holding a tablet and she looks uncertain, "I...I got a copy of the tape, someone slipped me an advance copy, it's going to break within the hour, they're just verifying legitimacy." She hands over the tablet.

Elizabeth doesn't want to look, isn't there something about Schrodinger's cat, and if she doesn't look then she never has to know. She's made of sterner stuff than that though and she presses play on the video and watches as one of her worst moments plays out on screen. It's edited of course, such that it looks almost consensual, but it's still there, Andrada touching her forever recorded. The shot isn't great, mostly from above, he must have had a camera installed in the ceiling, but it's clear enough. She feels dizzy, she's going to pass out or throw up or maybe both. She drops the muffin and the tablet. Dimly she hears them crash onto the floor. There's an elephant on her chest and she definitely can't breathe now, maybe she is actually having a heart attack this time.

Blake is beside her lightning fast and he is shoving her head between her legs and telling her to breathe. "In and out Ma'am. You can do it. You're okay, we're sitting in a car in some godforsaken Midwestern state, we're safe." He keeps up the mantra, "In and out," until she is able to sit back up.

Karima looks shaken, "You had an affair with the former Filipino President?"

Blake's eyes flash with an anger she's rarely seen "She didn't have an affair with him, he nearly raped her," he spits out.

Both women gasp, but for different reasons. Elizabeth reaches out thinking to grab his hand but it's too intimate, so she just rests it on the seat beside his. "Blake? I never told you what happened."

He gives her the 'are you serious' look. "When have you ever needed to tell me things? I knew from the minute you walked out of that office that something really bad had gone on. When you were telling the President and Russell half-truths I could tell that you were leaving a lot out. It didn't take that much to put the dots together."

"The CIA really missed out on you." She turns towards the other woman, her voice still shaky. "That video is edited, it's also missing the part where I broke his noise."

Karima seems to be at a loss for words. Blake asks "I don't suppose there's any way we can suppress it?"

The press coordinator shakes her head, appearing to focus. "It's out there now, somebody will leak it at some point even if we get the mainstream outlets to hold back. I can press hard for the source though. We need to make a statement ASAP..." She trails off, seeming to realize that any statement is going to both be deeply personal and ignite a media firestorm.

"_I_ need to make a statement you mean."

"Of course Ma'am."

They're at the plane (some corporate jet lent to them by a donor, Elizabeth hates it but there really isn't a way around it) by now. She sucks in a deep breath and calls upon her compartmentalization skills. Plan now, fall apart later she tells herself. She turns to the other woman, "Pull whatever favors you need to in order to get them to hold it for at least a couple of hours, I need to talk to Henry and my family, where is he today anyway?"

"California Ma'am, giving a speech at a VFW, he's supposed to head to New Mexico tonight," Blake responds, ever diligent about her schedule (and thus her family's).

"Right, well we're going to need to clear his schedule, and mine now that I'm thinking about it. We're going to Virginia."

Blake immediately starts working on his phone, Karima still seems a little shell-shocked "How long do we need to clear it for?"

"For at least the rest of today and tomorrow." Blake nods and gets to work.

"Karima?" Elizabeth asks.

"I...yes I'll start making calls as soon as we're on the plane. I assume by Virginia you mean the farm?"

"Yes. And Karima?" The woman turns to her. "I don't want the rest of the staff read in on the actual details yet." And with that she gathers her belongings and steps out of the car.

Once the plane reaches cruising altitude, she secludes herself as much as possible and dials her husband. She hates that once again she has to deliver terrible news via phone.

He picks up after the second ring, he sounds out of breath, "Yes?"

She wants to collapse at the sound of his voice, one word and he reminds her that he is, as always, her home. She pushes on though, she needs to get this out. "Henry, I...there's something in the press..." Her resolve almost breaks, she really doesn't want to have this conversation, to admit how real this all is.

"Babe?" he sounds worried. "Is this why they're rushing me to the airport and telling me they canceled my schedule for tomorrow?"

"Yes." She closes her eyes and leans her head against the wall.

When she doesn't elaborate any further, he goes on. "Is it the torture thing? Because I thought we had a prepared statement/strategy for that? And didn't Mike say that it wouldn't hurt you and could in fact win you votes among some hard liners?"

She shakes her head, but remembering he can't see her, she says, "No, it's something else, something personal." She knows she's making it worse, making him worry more with this guessing game, but she can't seem to spit out the truth.

"What? Is it the kids? Do they have something on them?" The anger in his voice is palpable. "It is unconscionable how the media has no boundaries. Wait, is it the PTSD? Oh babe."

His listing of her worst fears about this campaign makes her realize that in all their gaming out of worst case scenarios they had never considered this, there was almost no physical evidence (or so she thought) and so few people knew the whole story that they never considered it a possibility. She thought the edited version of the story might break, but was pretty sure she could gloss over it, she never expected this.

"It's not any of that. It's Andrada."

"Andrada? What? How? They can't know everything."

She's crying, she knows only because she can feel the tears dripping off her face. "There's a video. He had his office bugged. It's...the version I saw is edited...it looks consensual. Karima says it's going to be out there in less than an hour, we're trying to get it held back for at least a little longer, but it's breaking today."

Henry is silent on the other end, though she can hear his uneven breathing.

"Henry? I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say." She knows she sounds broken and powerless, but it's how she feels.

"Oh baby. I'm going to see you in about six hours. We will figure it out."

"I have to tell the press something, soon."

"Why?" he asks vehemently. But before she can respond he answers himself, "Never mind, I know why. Baby this isn't my area of expertise, I wish you could just tell them to fuck off. Have you talked to Karima? To Mike? Nadine might have some good advice." (Though not a formal part of her campaign Nadine has been doing some informal consulting and if she wins Elizabeth fully plans on pulling her into her administration somehow). He sucks in a breath. "Is there something you can say that will just buy you some time?"

"I should talk to Mike, but I don't want to, I can't deal with his brash cynicism right now. I'll talk to Karima I guess. I don't want to say too much. God, it's going to be a firestorm. The kids, oh god, the kids. Henry can you talk to them? Don't tell them too much, but see if they can meet us at the farm too. It's...I can't..." The dam breaks and she is sobbing.

He murmurs words of comfort that don't quite penetrate, but give her something to focus on other than the storm raging in her brain. After a minute or so she is able to talk again, she laser focuses herself on business, it's the only way she is going to get through this. "You're right, I just need to buy some time until we can all strategize." He makes a sound of agreement. "I'll talk to Karima. I'll see you soon."

"I love you Elizabeth. Remember that none of this was your fault. Also, I think you're amazing and we will get through this."

His confidence always bolsters her. "I love you. Thank you, for everything. And...just don't watch the video until we're together?"

"Of course. I have to get on the plane now. See you soon."

"Bye Henry." She hangs up the call, stands up straight and adjusts her blouse. She huffs out a breath and walks back towards the compartment where Karima is working. She sits across from her press coordinator. "Here's what we're going to do." Karima looks up quizzically. "We will release a statement, soon, that says something along the lines of this is deeply personal and the video is edited to make it appear that something is happening that isn't."

"Ma'am with all due respect that isn't going to be enough, they're going to want to know what you mean by something is happening that isn't, the speculation will be colossal."

"It's what we're doing, we will figure the rest out later. Now, if you don't mind I need to close my eyes for a little while."

The other woman looks like she wants to argue but stops herself at the finality in Elizabeth's voice. "Of course Ma'am, I'll have something for your approval in the next hour and we will release it as soon as the video goes live."

Elizabeth nods and moves to one of the more comfortable seats. This plane doesn't have a full fledged bedroom but it does have very nice seats that lay completely flat.

When she arrives at the farmhouse Allison and Jason are already there, they seem to have gotten wind about something going on even though they had been warned to stay away from social media and the news.

"What's this about you and a world leader having an affair?" Jason demands the minute she walks in the door. Her staff dutifully scatter behind her finding other things to do.

Hearing the accusatory tone in her son's voice is like a body blow. "Believing the mainstream media now?" She tries for pithy, it's all she's got left in her other than a complete break down.

"Don't change the subject Mom, they say there's a video." So far the video isn't completely out there yet, though the shadier sites have published it in full (edited as it is). As she had been briefed in the car, reactions had been scathing.

She sighs. "This is really a case of don't believe everything you hear. Look, your Dad will be here in a few hours and then we'll have a family meeting and I'll explain everything."

"Pffft, yeah, whatever, you need time to spin, I get it." He turns around and walks upstairs.

She wants to go after him but Mike B appears at her shoulder. "Bess we need to address this now. That weak ass statement you released isn't doing anything other than adding fuel to the fire and I'd like to have a few words with Karima about even putting it out there."

She arches her eyebrows at him and walks silently to her office, he follows and continues his tirade. "I'm serious, I don't know if we can even spin this. Maybe we can say it's not you at all, that's it's a complete fake. No one will really buy it, but it might give us enough cover to move on. The election is four months out and people are pretty stupid. God Bess what the hell were you thinking? I thought the guy just grabbed your ass and you punched him." She really doesn't want to know how he even knew that much. "Now this just looks like some kind of lovers spat."

She plops down in her chair. "Oh yes I was having a really good time when I was almost raped and was really thinking about my electability." Mike looks shell shocked at her words and sinks into a chair. She knows it wasn't fair, that he didn't know the whole story, but her filter seems to have disappeared and she's already done with the accusations. She runs her fingers through her hair and sighs (she feels like she's going to be doing a lot of that during this ordeal). "Look Mike I'm sorry, I'm going to talk to the staff tonight. We can meet and figure out a plan then."

"I...he...you..." Mike is atypically flummoxed and in a less dire time she would be amused.

And then Nadine marches in behind him and whacks him over the head with a file folder. "You're a buffoon Mike."

Elizabeth almost smiles. "Nadine? I didn't know you were coming. How did you get here so fast?"

"I was in DC for some meetings. I came as soon as I heard the rumor. I knew what had to have happened and I knew that this idiot," she gestures towards Mike, "wouldn't be able to handle it."

Mike looks like he wants to defend himself, but Nadine pushes on. "I've been talking to Kat and Daisy and we all think that there's only one response. Would you like to hear our thoughts?"

Elizabeth is startled. "Kat and Daisy know already? How?"

Nadine waves her hand as if it's obvious. "It wasn't hard to figure out given what we already knew." The other woman gives her a sympathetic look. "They are horrified, as am I. I'm so sorry Ma'am."

"It happened, I dealt with it, I just wish I didn't have to deal with it again. What are your thoughts?" She takes off her glasses and starts massaging her temples. Dealing with this like it's just another political stumbling block is giving her a migraine. She wants Henry and her bed and maybe to time travel back to the Elizabeth of a year ago and convince her that running is a terrible idea.

"Well the way I see it you have three options, one, let the world think you had an affair, two, concoct some cock-and-bull story like Mike was suggesting, that no one will really believe, or third, tell the whole truth. I don't suggest it lightly. I wish there were better options, it's unbelievably unfair that you have to deal with this."

Elizabeth shakes her head and drops her hands to her lap. She can tell which option her former chief of staff thinks she should take. "I'll take it under advisement."

Mike starts to say something again, but Nadine shushes him. "Of course Ma'am. We'll leave you be." She gets up and starts to walk to the door, when Mike doesn't follow her, she walks back over and grabs his shoulder and yanks. He dutifully gets up and follows Nadine. As she's exiting, Nadine says "Oh and Blake wanted me to tell you that the President has been calling. He said you would want to know that."

As they walk down the hallway Elizabeth can hear them bickering with Mike using his offended tone to say how he's the campaign manager and he should be making decisions. They leave her earshot before she can hear how Nadine inevitably knocks him down.

Of course Conrad called, he's one of the only other people who know the full story. She pushes it to the back of her brain, she can't deal with it right now.

A few hours later she is sitting next to Henry on the couch facing their children. Stevie and Allison look concerned, Jason looks angry. She squeezes Henry's hand, she doesn't know where to start. In briefing her staff an hour before she had simply laid out the facts, ignored their reactions, and told them she would let them know tomorrow what the plan was. She had brushed away all questions and suggestions and informed them that they were dismissed for the day. Somehow telling her family seems like a bigger hurdle.

Drawing on Henry for support, she begins. "Look, I think you all have heard some of the rumors and news reports flying around. I want to clear some things up."

Jason snorts. "Yeah, how are you going to clear up that you slept with that sleaze-ball Andrada. I saw the video, not a lot of spinning to be done."

Hearing his name is a punch to the gut, hearing that her son saw a video of her being assaulted is a bigger blow. She closes her eyes, blows out a big breath, and squeezes Henry's hand so hard her nails are digging into skin. She can feel that every muscle in his body is tense, she knows he wants to say something but they had talked about this before, she would tell the story.

"Jace I know why you believe that, that video is convincing. I forgive you. That's not what happened though, that video is edited and I didn't know it existed. The truth is that Andrada sexually assaulted me."

The room is silent. She takes a chance and opens her eyes. Stevie looks shocked, Allison seems like she might start crying, and Jason, Jason looks destroyed.

Jason starts to say something but she cuts him off. "I already told you Jace I forgive you. I'm sure you guys have questions and things to say, but right now I just want to go to bed." She had plans to say more, to let them talk and answer their concerns but she's so completely and utterly done with the day. It's probably unfair, but she thinks she has the right to be a little unfair right now.

Elizabeth stands up, ready to go to her bed and collapse. Stevie says, "Of course Mom. I love you and I'm sorry this happened to you. Let me know if I can do anything to help out." Her eldest walks over and gives her a quick hug. It's a comfort she wasn't expecting. She carries that feeling with her as she trudges up the stairs and into the bedroom. She strips off her clothes and leaves them in a pile on the floor as she steps into a boiling hot shower. She just needs to wash this day off.

When she finally steps out the air is humid and her body is loose (a tankless hot water heater is truly the best investment they ever made). She dries her hair and completes the rest of her nightly routine before stepping out into the bedroom.

Henry is sitting on the bed watching her, but he remains silent as she goes to the dresser and pulls on pajamas. She climbs in next to him. When he still doesn't say anything, she breaks the silence. "How are the kids?"

"Sad. Worried. Confused. A little devastated, well Jason is at least. He said that he's a victim blaming idiot and that Piper will probably end their recently renewed relationship if she finds out."

"I'm sorry. I should have stayed and talked to them. Especially him, I really don't blame him, he just thought what the rest of the country is probably thinking. I haven't let myself even look at the headlines." She feels defeated, there's so much to handle.

He reaches over and grabs her hand, squeezing. "Babe don't worry about not staying, they understood. Jason will get past it. And as far as the rest, I have to say, I," he pauses, "I watched the video. I know you wanted to watch it together, but I didn't want to make you see it again. And I have to say that even edited as it is it still looks a little hinky. You clearly aren't actively participating."

She breathes a sigh of relief when she hears he's watched it, the more she had thought about it the more unbearable the idea of both watching the video again and watching his reactions to it became. "Henry you and I both know that's not going to mean a damn thing, our culture loves to think the worst of women, loves to blame them. They've already gleefully pinned a scarlet letter to my chest and won't willingly take it off."

Henry sighs. "Babe, I don't know what the best thing to do is here. I wish there was an easy path, one that wouldn't lead to pain for you. I do know that it's your decision and I will support you no matter what." He shrugs his shoulders. "Hell if you want to drop out of the race right now and become a hermit I'll support you."

She considers it, for half a millisecond, but running away from her problems has never been her style. Plus, it would be letting whoever released that video win, it would be letting Andrada win, it would be saying that people who had been assaulted should just give up. And suddenly she knows exactly what she needs to do, how she wants to deal with this. She gets out of bed and starts to walk towards the door. She pauses and walks back, leaning over to give Henry a quick peck on the cheek. "Thank you. I love you. I know what I need to do. Don't wait up." He stares at her, perplexed, but she grabs her phone and heads to her office.

Once there she calls Karima. The other woman sounds sleepy and when Elizabeth glances at the clock she sees that it's almost 11. "Sorry for waking you but I need you to do something."

"No worries, I fell asleep sitting up surrounded by papers so really you saved me from a crick in my neck. What do you need?"

"I need you to arrange a press conference, tomorrow afternoon. All the major networks, tell them it's about the video."

Her press coordinator suddenly sounds much more awake. "What are you going to say? Are you telling the whole story? Denying the allegations? Something else?"

"All of the above. Look, I'll have more for you in the morning, including a draft of my statement, but for now I need you to get the ball rolling on the press conference."

"Ma'am, with all due respect I need a little more than that. We really need to get the team together, talk strategy, messaging..."

Elizabeth cuts her off. "Yes and we can do all that tomorrow, right now I'm telling you, get the networks on board. I'm the only one that will be writing and approving this statement. I'll listen to suggestions, but I'm telling you right now I'm not going to be very flexible."

She can sense that Karima wants to say more, to protest so she wraps it up. "Thank you and good night." She barely hears Karima say the same as she ends the call.

She sends a quick text to Mike and another to Nadine letting them know the basics, she will be giving a statement tomorrow afternoon, she will fill them in tomorrow. Mike immediately tries to call but she declines the call and texts him "Not now." He calls again, she ignores it, along with the dozen texts, turning her phone on silent and flipping it face down. Elizabeth sinks into her desk chair and pulls over a pad of paper and pen, she has history to make.

…

The following afternoon, Mike is convinced she is completely bonkers, Nadine is mostly supportive, and Henry is fully behind her. She is sitting in the living room going over her speech one last time.

"You should at least cut the last part. Stick to the facts and pivot to the policy." Mike is putting in a last ditch effort.

"No," is all she says.

"Do you want to be President?"

"Yes." Five hours of this and she has gotten down to monosyllabic responses.

"Then..." He is thankfully cut off by Stevie coming in.

"Mom, they just called, the motorcade is ready and you should leave in the next five in order to be there on time.

She gets up and brushes off her pants. She gathers her papers and turns to Mike "You, I want you in a different car, I listen to you 90% of the time, but I'm right on this and I can't have you in my head right now."

He splutters, he probably wants to protest that 90% figure along with a few other things, but she ignores him. "Stevie are you still coming with?"

Her daughter looks uncertain. "Yeah, Ally and Jason are going to stay here and watch on tv. Dad should be down any minute." As if on cue, Henry comes down the stairs. He smiles at her and she reaches for his hand, pulling him in for a quick kiss. She could probably do this without him, but she's glad she doesn't have to.

When they're all settled in the cars and on their way to UVA (it had been the easiest and closest venue to book and secure), she is struck by a sudden bout of nerves. "This is the right thing right?"

"It's the best of a number of bad options Ma'am." Nadine is sitting across from her. "But that speech, I only saw the drafts but," she pauses and looks at her former boss with a touch of wonder, "that speech is definitely the right thing." Nadine gestures to the tablet she has been scrolling through during the ride. "The stories that have started pouring in….you're already making a difference." Elizabeth looks at her quizzically. "As you know, we softened the ground a little, letting a little bit leak in the last few hours, the responses are heartbreaking but powerful."

Elizabeth wishes she knew what to do with that information. "Send some to me, I'll read them while I wait." Nadine nods.

They're pulling up to the campus and her detail is turning around and letting her know the plan for getting her to the staging area. It's a blur but somehow in short order she is standing to the side of a makeshift stage as Karima introduces her to a huge crowd of press and supporters (and a few non supporters if she heard the rumblings of 'slut' and 'cheater' correctly). She squeezes Henry's hand. "Still time to run off and becomes hermits, we could go off the grid, never have to hear about polls and focus groups and electability again," he jokes.

She chuckles. "Tempting, but I think that's my cue." The applause has peaked and Karima is stepping to the side. She steps out onto the stage and to the podium. She looks out at the crowd and does her best to look resolute as she begins.

"A few days ago a grossly misleading video of me was released. I'm here today to make a definitive statement on the issue." She pauses to take a breath and steel herself for the rest of her statement.

"Three and a half years ago I was sexually assaulted," she hears gasps from the crowd but she pushes on. "That video, which is deceptively edited, shows a crime taking place, it captures a violation and a time I hoped to never have to relive. I refuse to discuss all of the details, but I will say that much like most of the more than 30% of women who have reported being sexually harassed at work I chose not to report, to downplay what happened to me in order to, in my case quite literally, keep the peace." The crowd is now completely silent.

"Too many women at work face everything from inappropriate comments to unwanted touching to rape. Most do not have the protection and privilege that I do, they fear losing their very livelihoods. The most vulnerable populations face the highest rates of assault. It is unacceptable." She doesn't mean to, but she actually bangs her hand on the podium with the last word. "It is unacceptable that we continue to let this epidemic go on. That is why today I am announcing a new policy platform in my campaign. The details are in the packets that are being handed out and will be live on my website in a few hours, but to sum it up, I plan on proposing a major overhaul of Title VII and other sexual assault legislation. I also plan on forming a task force to come up with innovative proposals to address the primary causes of sexual violence."

"My story isn't unique or even particularly interesting. Other than the perpetrator being a world leader, it sounds like all of the stories I have heard as this story started to leak, a woman is simply performing her job duties when a man tries to take advantage of her and when she calls him on it he tells her that she asked for it and that it is her fault. I'm speaking now to all of those individuals, it isn't your fault and you didn't ask for it." Elizabeth looks to the side of the stage briefly and seeks out Henry's face, she gives him a small smile, he was the one who helped her believe that, and turns back to the front.

"I should also note that though women bear the brunt of this issue, they are not the only ones who face sexual violence." She pauses again because the next part is deeply personal and most of her advisers had told her to cut it, saying it would be too controversial. She has chosen to ignore them, most of them are men anyway. Whatever votes she loses because of this she doesn't want anyway.

"As a woman, I will say that as I moved up the ranks, as I gained more responsibility and took on more prominent positions, I expected that I would eventually move beyond the sexism and low-key daily offenses. That at some point men would stop looking down my shirt and making comments about my body or finding excuses to brush up against me. I thought that I just needed to grit my teeth and get through it. I thought nothing really bad would ever happen to me if I played along and maintained the status quo. I was wrong."

"The worst offense I experienced happened when I was fourth in line to the Presidency of the United States, arguably one of the more powerful positions in the world. There is no moving beyond it or getting though it, the sexism that allows this culture to flourish must be abolished. I will accept nothing less."

There is more to her prepared statement but she feels like that about covers it so she steps back from the microphone. She stares straight into the closest camera and nods. Reporters begin shouting out questions but she walks towards her husband, grabs his hand, and allows herself to be guided to the nearby car. Karima stays back to wrangle the press, but Nadine and Stevie are waiting for her. They all remain silent as the car starts to move.

Breaking the silence, Stevie bursts out "I've never been prouder to be your daughter."

Elizabeth gives her a half smile. "Well I've only been waiting 25 years to hear that."

"Really Mom, that speech was amazing, you spoke so eloquently about something that so many people are ashamed of, you addressed a topic that most people don't even want to think about, let alone talk about. God, you really are changing the world."

Elizabeth nervously chuckled. "Well I'm glad I have your vote."

Stevie gives her a look but Nadine chimes in "I agree Ma'am. I can't say what it means for your electability, and frankly I don't care, but what you said tonight spoke to millions of people, it spoke to me." Elizabeth gives her a questioning look, but Nadine shakes her head, it isn't the time, though she will definitely circle back around on this topic with her former Chief of Staff. Nadine goes on, "This topic has been gaining steam since the Me Too movement but powerful women such as yourself speaking out keeps the world on top of it, it helps give other people the ability to raise their voices. There's no underselling how much of an effect this will have. Stevie is right, you are changing the world right where you are standing. I am proud of you."

Someone's phone chimes. Nadine looks down at hers and smiles. "Kat says you are blowing up on social media, the response is enormous. She also wants to say that she's proud of you."

Elizabeth looks away, out the window at the passing cars. Henry squeezes her hand. "I'm proud of you too love," he says quietly.

She smiles at him. "I love you." She might win the election, she might not, it's not something she can control, but at least she has the truth. She has her family and friends and the truth, it's all going to be alright.

….

All statistics are accurate and pulled form the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.

I'm still hesitant about posting even though it's been in my head since I watched the episode for the first time. It's been an even larger prickle in my brain since a historical number of women have announced their candidacy for the Presidency. Statistics tell us that it is likely that at least one of them has been assaulted, and I've been thinking about what would happen if that came out (I'm sure in today's political climate they would be vilified, but Madam Secretary is a much nicer political climate, so let's just live there.)

The two images that started this whole thing for me were Elizabeth telling Henry "I lied," and her giving a speech after the assault was revealed. I hope I did them justice.

Also, I am always here if anybody needs to talk.


	3. Extra Scene

Dammit, I said I was done with this, and I was, until lilacmermaid25 posted this prompt. So consider this an extra scene. Same content warning applies.

Within canon this would probably be set somewhere in Season 4, but obviously this is a slightly AU version of canon.

Prompt: Jason's new cologne (or something else) smells exactly like Andrada's, and Elizabeth _cannot _handle it, but she doesn't know how to ask him not to wear it.

…..

She's really been doing very well, six months of weekly therapy sessions, a few of which had been joint sessions with Henry, and she feels like she's mostly put it behind her. She and Henry have even resumed a normal regular sex life, well normal except for the part where she can't stand him on top of her. They discovered that one the hard way a few weeks ago. She's trying to look on the bright side though, it's giving them motivation to be more creative, not that they've ever really needed help in that department. She'd thought that after nearly three decades together they'd had sex in just about every way possible, but apparently she had been wrong.

She starts worrying she's spiraling backwards though when one morning she's rushing through the kitchen, late for a meeting and then suddenly she's hyperventilating on the floor, sitting against the kitchen island. A weight above her, hands on her body, she has to get away, it's all she can think.

Allison and Jason are the only ones home and they had been sitting at the table bickering. She dimly hears them calling out to her asking if she's okay. She can't respond even when she hears them start to argue about calling their father. She finally manages to say something when she hears the word doctor and emergency being bandied about. "I'm fine," she says, but it's barely a whisper and they don't hear her, so she drags herself into a standing position, leaning heavily on the counter. "I'm fine," she says again, louder.

Her children look at her in disbelief. "Mom?" It's Allison, who is standing less than a foot away looking like she might start crying. "I'm sorry we were arguing. Is it…. Was it..."

She wants to reach out and comfort her daughter, but she can't, she needs to get out of there or she might break. "I'm fine really, it wasn't you guys, I think I just have low blood sugar or something, you know how I get when I don't eat" Her children look unconvinced, but she really is very late for this meeting, so she gives them what she hopes is a reassuring smile and escapes to her car. She briefly thinks about calling Henry, but he is deep in the middle of some crisis involving Pakistan, he hadn't even come home last night, so she decides it's not worth it.

By noon she is absolutely exhausted, even Blake had commented on it, suggesting that perhaps she needed a some personal time and offering to black out 45 minutes. She had snapped at him and refused his offer. Much like she had snapped at the President this morning when he made a comment about her running late, it definitely wasn't her finest moment and even Ellen had looked aghast, so she should probably carve out some time to apologize to Conrad. She thinks briefly about taking Blake up on his offer but she has a meeting in, she glances at her watch, five minutes with the foreign minister from...goddammit she can't remember, hopefully Blake has the one-sheeter for this meeting that she can grab on the walk there.

A few hours later she is in the car on the way to another meeting, and really is all she does go to meetings, it feels useless. Her phone chimes and when she looks down it's a text from Henry. 'You okay? The kids said you were being 'weird' this morning and sat down on the kitchen floor or something?'

She wants to tell him, but there's too much going on and it was one moment and it passed so it's not really worth it. 'I'm fine. Just forgot to eat,' she sends back. It's not entirely a lie, she hasn't eaten anything today.

'Well eating is important. I should be home for dinner tonight and I think Stevie is making lasagna. Will you be there?'

'Probably not,' she writes back and puts her phone in her bag.

It's after midnight when she finally gets home. She might have stayed later than she really needed to, and a tiny part of her brain says she's trying to avoid something, but she ignores it. She's thankful everyone is already asleep and she can just crawl into bed. She dreams of Andrada. She wakes up early, in a foul mood. She's showered and dressed and standing in the kitchen waiting for the coffee to brew by six. Henry walks down the stairs, still in holey sweats and a fraying UVA shirt. He cuddles up behind her and tries to nuzzle her neck, but she stiffens. He pulls away quickly, "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking." She want to scream that she's fine and that he couldn't have known anyways because two days ago she was fine with that maneuver.

"It's fine. I'm just tired, I need that coffee."

He chuckles and moves over the fridge and pulls eggs out. "Yeah you had a late night and now you're up early, I haven't heard about any major crises going on, is it the Migration Treaty again? Oh, do you have time for eggs?"

The coffee is finally done and she pours it into a travel mug. "No, I've got to run, early meeting. And just a bunch of stuff, the treaty is part of it, don't expect me home tonight." She scurries toward the door, placing a quick kiss on Henry's cheek. She had just lied, she doesn't have a meeting. She hates that and she thinks about calling her therapist, she knows she should. Instead she sends Blake a text asking him to cancel her appointment for tomorrow.

The day is, predictably, another nightmare, but mostly because of other countries making completely unreasonable demands at the last minute and not because of flashbacks. She feels a little better, thinking that yesterday must have been a fluke. She enters the house at the almost reasonable time of 8:30 to find Henry lounging in the front room reading. She drops her stuff and sits down next to him, curling up at his side, trying to distract him from his book. He smiles at her and drops a kiss on her head. She feels bad about being kind of bitchy, so she places kisses along his neck and runs a hand over his chest.

He puts his book down and gives her a look, "Is there something I can do for you love?"

She goes for coy, quickly glancing around before sneaking her hand under his shirt to trace the skin above the waistline of his pants. "Perhaps. Maybe you can come upstairs with me and help me forget this truly awful day?"

His hand covers her wandering one, stopping her before she can trail her fingers any lower. "The kids are in the living room and I promised Jason I would help him take on the next boss in his game."

She huffs. "Fine. Choose video games over sex. I didn't know you were such a cliché."

Henry rolls his eyes. "Is it really an either/or situation? Why don't I meet you upstairs in an hour or so? We can resume these...activities."

She smirks at him. "I don't know, in an hour I might have already taken care of things for myself."

He groans. "You're killing me. Go," he pushes her away and stands up. "Go, I'll see you in a little bit."

When he comes upstairs a bit later she's sitting on the bed flipping through a policy book. He jumps on the bed after making a show of closing the door. "So, have some time for me?"He jests.

He climbs up next to her and takes the policy book from her hands and throws it unceremoniously to the floor where it makes a loud think. "Hey, I was reading that!"

He starts kissing her neck and face, "I certainly hope you weren't 'taking care of yourself' to a binder on economic opportunities in Central Asia, because, babe, we really need to talk if that's the case."

She only hears half of what he said, because there's...something, something that is making her brain stutter. She can't place it, but she feels like she's clicking in and out of reality. And then Henry goes in for a full-fledged kiss and she is shoving him away, because then it's all encompassing, she's surrounded by Andrada.

She can breathe a little better now that he's on the other side of the bed, but there's still something out of place, but then, suddenly, she smells it. "Are you wearing new cologne?"

He gives her a quizzical look. "No. Why?"

She pauses, maybe she's just going crazy, and now she's smelling things. "Never mind. I'm probably just losing my mind."

"Babe, are you okay? Can you tell me what triggered that?"

He's been so good about trying to figure out what ramps up her panic, helping her parse out what might send her spiraling. Right now she really doesn't want to think about it though, she just wants things back to how they used to be. She goes to straddle his waist, but shes overwhelmed by a wall of fear as soon as she gets close to him, so she hurries back to her side of the bed feeling defeated. "You know, I really should finish that reading, I need to be be up on the details for a meeting tomorrow."

He looks thoughtful and like he doesn't quite believe her, but he nods and gets out of the bed. "I'm going to go shower, you can update me on the intricacies of agriculture in Tajikistan when I get out."

They don't have sex that night and she's pissed at herself about it, she frets about it all the next day, and so makes it a point to get home at a reasonable time that night. She can have dinner with her family and cajole Henry up into their bedroom afterwards and redo last night.

Henry, her, and the girls are all in the kitchen prepping dinner, well, she's mainly just being told to stay away from things when she tries to help, but at least they're all laughing. Jason walks in, fresh from a date with Piper and when she grabs him to give him a hug and possibly tease him about how much time he spends with his girlfriend's family, it's there, that smell.

She freezes and Jason awkwardly pulls out of her embrace. Her eyes are locked on some point in the distance, and she is no longer in her kitchen, she is in an overly warm office and there is an overbearing weight on top of her, touching her. She brings herself back, just barely, when she hears Stevie's laughter. They are needling Jason about Piper. "I...I….I have to go….upstairs," she manages to eke out. Henry cocks his head and gives her a curious look, but she moves away before he can say anything. Somehow she gets to her room, but she can't make it further than the floor right inside the doorway. Deep breaths she reminds herself, in and out.

Predictably Henry is there a few minutes later and when he sees her sitting on the floor, he immediately drops down beside her and grabs her hand, squeezing it (they've talked before about how a connection like that helps ground her without being too much). "In 1, 2, 3, 4, out, 1, 2, 3, 4," he chants, continuing until she squeezes his hand back.

They sit there for a minute, still. She sighs, "I can't sit on the floor like this, it's killing my back."

Henry chuckles and stands, tugging her up with him. He moves them over the sit on the bench at the end of their bed. "So what was that about?"

"It's, it's hard to explain," she doesn't know quite how to tell him that the smell of their son's cologne reminds her of Andrada.

"Try me."

She lets out a breath. "It's Jason." When he gives her a look, she continues. "His body spray or shampoo or something, it smells exactly like Andrada's."

He looks stricken, "Oh" is all he says though.

"Yeah. Awkward."

"And last night, that was the smell wasn't it? I had been sitting next to Jason for an hour and he reeked of that stuff."

She shrugs. "Probably. So now I'm scared of my own son, so that's great. Probably shouldn't have canceled therapy this week."

"You canceled...never mind, we'll deal with that later. You're not scared of Jason, a specific scent is reminding you of a terrible event, that's very different than being scared of him. Scent is one of the strongest memory triggers, it makes sense. This is something that is easily fixed."

Elizabeth scoffs. "How? By telling him to stop wearing it? He's going to want to know why. I can't exactly tell him that it's the same body spray my would-be rapist used." She's gotten better about using that word, about not down-playing what happened to her, but it's still hard, and she sees Henry have the slightest startle when she says rapist.

"No, but there are other ways to go about it. I'll talk to him, offer to buy him some expensive cologne, I'll tell him Piper will like it, he'd probably set himself on fire at this point if he thought she would like it."

She narrows her eyes. She likes Piper but she's still not entirely comfortable with her baby boy being so enamored of a girl who could break his heart. She quirks her lips though, here's Henry, solving all her problems again, being the model husband, she wants to hate it sometimes. "I could do it, you're always having to fix things for me, I'm not some weak woman who needs her husband to fight all of her battles. You don't have to be so perfect all of the time."

"Yeah because that's what I really think of you." He rolls his eyes. "You fight plenty of your own battles, let me help out sometimes, it makes me feel useful. And as far as being perfect, pretty sure I can list ten times in the last year I have royally screwed something up when it came to us."

"Ten times? Really?" She arches her eyebrows at him. "I'd like to hear these ten times."

He lets out a full-throated laugh. "I mean we could start with the time I bought you the wrong size ring or the time I might have, kind of, started a diplomatic incident in Slovakia."

There's amusement in her voice when she replies. "Yeah, you'd think after how many years of marriage you'd know my ring sizes by now, and we promised never to mention Slovakia again." She pauses, and goes back to serious. "I don't think I can go back downstairs though, not with that smell, can you bring me up a plate in a bit and make my excuses?"

He wraps his arm around her shoulders and tugs her close. "Of course love. And I'll talk to Jason tonight."

She wants to protest again, but she just says "Okay."

She stays upstairs and curls up to a cooking show. When Henry comes back up with a plate of food, he simply tells her "It's done."

The body spray mysteriously disappears after that and even though she's now committed to buying her teenage son $50 cologne regularly, she's okay with it.


End file.
